I continue to receive emails from parents asking about modern day prodigal children. Whether the prodigal is defying family rules, living an undesirable life style, or leaving to who-knows-where, it’s a heart wrenching experience for any parent. Parents have poured so much energy, time and love into their son or daughters life. I was prompted to blog on this subject after receiving an email from a Mom who was complaining that her son was getting drunk, staying out late, waking up the family at all hours and smoking weed to boot! Now get this, she is planning on sending him away to a private University next fall. Let me get this straight, you are going to spend 40K to send this kid to a private school and he is drunk and smoking weed all the time? What is wrong with this picture?

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go” 

If you are going through this heartache right now, know that you are not alone. Other parents have dealt effectively with their prodigal. Yes, continue to pray for your son or daughter. Remember that God sometimes puts us through trials to make us stronger. Realize that this tough time on you might be a necessary step in your child’s faith journey and coming to the truth of what life is all about.

As always your comments are welcome!  What say you?

The tragic death of Whitney Houston offers every parent the opportunity to talk to your kids about drugs. Her death is on every television, magazine, and Web site in the country. When something is this widespread, it creates a nice big opportunity for you to address the issue of drugs.

You might hear from your kid, as many parents do these days, this idea that smoking weed is no big deal. More and more cities and states are “decriminalizing” marijuana and so-called “medical marijuana” joints (pun intended) are popping up in communities around the country. So much so that the government has started to send letters to those that are too close to high schools.

When you talk to your kids about drugs, I would suggest a terse comment that includes the words “Whitney Houston.”  Houston’s life ended at age 48. That’s deeply tragic, but also avoidable.  The lesson here is that other people–not just the user–are affected by drug abuse.  In Whitney’s case, her friends, her daughter, her family, and her fans are now hurting from her decisions. Whether you are a superstar or a regular one, you’re self-destructive decisions in life take a toll on those you love, and those that love you!

What researchers have known for years is that if you expose a developing brian to drugs or alcohol, you run the risk of making that person more susceptible to addiction.  It’s as though you are training the brain as it is growing–conditioning it for addictive behavior down the road. Researchers also tell us that kids are smoking pot and drinking alcohol earlier than ever. Putting those two together, we could have a generation of addicts in the making (not just drugs, but addiction of all flavors).

Another well known fact is that the part of the brain that is slowest to mature is the part that deals with judgment. Don’t believe me?  Call your insurance agency today and insure your 16-year-old to drive your car. You’ll quickly find that their extremely high insurance rates that are tied to facts that young people don’t always use the best judgment.  Of course, you may have already experienced your own son or daughter’s lack of common sense.

With Whitney Houston’s death still in the news, I just don’t understand people like Tony Bennett coming out and again stating their support for the legalization of drugs. Some of these guys think they are economists.  They are talking about all the money that could be gained by taxing the now illegal drug market. Well, we tax alcohol and cigarettes very heavily in our country today. And quite frankly, the revenues received through taxation don’t come near the damage that cigarettes and alcohol take on the lives of our citizens. I always like Tony Bennett, in fact I met the man, believe it or not in San Francisco, while doing a TV show. But I think that Tony and others supporting his position have left their minds back in San Francisco.

So here are a few tips for those of us that want our kids to make good decisions in life.  Remember, you are your child’s best teacher:

1. Make sure your kids have plenty of practice making decisions in your home. This is their safe place to learn good judgment, vs. bad.
2. Ask your what your kids’ opinion is on everyday family issues!
3. Make sure you have POSITIVE expectations for your kids (Raise a child UP in the way they should go)
4. Find ways, like discussing Whitney Houston’s death this week, to negatively imprint drug usage in your kids minds at a young age.
5. Get to know your child’s friends and their families!
6. Your house should be the centerpiece of your kids social life! Yes, it might mean you have to spring for pizza. But I would rather have my kids hanging out at my home then someone else’s. Your kids might be surprised that their friends like you!
7. Beware of your child’s money supply. Kids should get allowances, but if your kid starts having money and you are unaware of its source, that is a red flag.
8. When a child’s grades fall right off the table, that is a pretty good indication that your son or daughter has discovered the world of drugs. Smoking weed diminishes motivation.
9. Don’t tell yourself “My kid would never do such a thing!” Because obviously kids that get hooked on drugs come from a variety of home situations.

If your child is already using drugs, you have to directly confront the issue. Get him or her to a group that deals with drug usage effectively.  Personally, I think Teen Challenge does a great job.  Do not become the enabler! Do not make excuses for your kids! And pray. Pray every day.

Now go talk with your kids. Not at your kids.  Use public events, like Whitney Houston’s death, as a springboard to talk about the difficult issues surrounding drug use.

After I was thrown out of North Park University in the middle of my sophomore year, I returned to Tucson to live with my Mom and Dad. My older brother Jack, who was a graduate student at the University of Arizona, also lived at home.  In all the years we lived together with good ole mom and Dad, we never had a ripple.  We got along great! We helped out our parents, painted the house, did yard work, took out the garbage, and all the rest.  It was a great experience and you sure couldn’t beat the rent!

But someone once said, “Fish and company smell after three days.” And I’ve heard enough horror stories to know that my experience is NOT the norm.

Do you remember the milestone years in your life?  Remember turning 18 and thinking that you were on your own?  Remember turning 21 and telling yourself that you are legal? The problem is most of us, especially guys, are not grown up until we’re 25 or older.

Now, if you are going to have your adult kids living in your home for any reason, you would be very smart to set up basic guidelines. Another old saying is that “good fences make good neighbors.” And when it comes to this issue, I guarantee you need a fence.

Although your home might be rent free, it is not duty free!   It’s a home, not a hotel, and your child cannot just come and go as they please (no matter how grown up they think they are).

If you could walk the halls of the average college dorm at 2 in the morning, you’d see many kids are not home yet. And many of them are still awake!  While your son or daughter sees coming home at 3 in the morning at your house completely normal, you must set the expectation that this is not a dorm, but a home.

Your kid thinks,”Hey, I’m 21, you can’t tell me when to be home!”

But the truth is, “You are right. You are 21 and I can’t tell you when to come home. But if you come home at 3 in the morning and wake us up when you come through the door and the dog is barking… your seemingly innocent behavior now is impeding on the rights of us old folks that live in this home and pay the mortgage.”

Am I saying that on occasion a kid cannot stay out late?  Absolutely not. But it would need to be agreed on by both parent and child.

I know that college-aged kids living at home can easily turn into a nightmare. Before you agree to this, as a couple you should agree to the “fences” that you need to put in place. If you’re not on the same page, forget it. It’s doomed before you even start!

These agreements should be revisited every semester and during the summer. You might discover (or your son or daughter!) that living together at home is all it’s cracked up to be. They might want to strike out on their own. That is a real good experience for young adults to understand that REAL landlords require cash up front, security deposits, and many other expectations that are part of the real world.

Here’s some ideas for how you can build “good fences” with your young adult living at home.

1. Clean up after yourself

2  Help around the house

3. Every day ask, “What can I do to help?”

4. Respect your family members

These things mean different things to each family, so YOU have to color in that picture. Your son may think cleaning up means dropping the dirty dishes in the sink for someone else to clean. Be clearer than a kindergarten teacher on what your expectations are for living in YOUR home.

Now, many parents want to provide a free place to their children as a way of helping them get started or to help with their education.  That’s all well and good, but I know other parents that say, “If my adult child is living here, especially if they working, they should be paying rent!”

If that is the case, the rent needs to be agreed to and it needs to be paid on a specific day of the month. Cash only, no checks please!  As I saw in the store the other day “No checks please, we have a good supply from last year!

If things go awry, it’s time for reality discipline. You have to say, “Honey, things obviously aren’t working out, as your Mom and Dad we are giving you 30 days notice to remove what you need from our home because this clear is not working.”

Realize that you child might be shocked that you are taking such action.  After all, they probably think its “their” home. But reiterate the many reasons why this is not working. Ideally these will be things you’ve already shared and given fair warning that they need to change in order for the arrangement to continue.

But if you’ve asked for improvement, and you are still getting woken up in the wee hours in the morning you have to act. If you are still cleaning dirty dishes and laundry, it’s time for an intervention.

Be firm, and you will soon realize that you will probably get along better with your son or daughter once they are out on their own, living in an apartment, and and having the rights and responsibilities of young adulthood squarely on their shoulders.

Remember it’s a house…not a hotel!  It’s up to you to follow through if is not being treated like one.