051: Are You Running a Home…or a Hotel? (replay)

(This episode is being rerun as part of the Dr. Leman Pocket Phrase series. Plus with all the new listeners, many have not heard it.)

Do you ever feel like you are the maid and not the mom, or the butler versus the dad? If so, you might be running a hotel, instead of a home. Learn how to get your kids to contribute to the family.

 

Home or Hotel-Facebook

Many parents are burdened by the belief that they must keep their kids happy, give them opportunities, and teach them responsibility all at the same time. This task has gotten harder, not easier. Sometimes, parents simply give up trying. This podcast is here to encourage you that you can teach your kids to contribute to the family.

LISTEN HERE
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Insight to gain from this episode:

  • No one member of the family is more important than the family.
  • We are of equal social value, but we are not the same.
  • Kids view their rewards as their rights.
  • Today’s parents’ feel the pressure to make their children “happy, happy, happy children.” Dr. Leman suggests: “An unhappy child is a healthy child.”
  • If you are a well-balanced parent, your kids will like you. We worry too much about our kids liking us.
  • What are you doing in your home to teach your kids to care about others?
  • You don’t get a great kid by giving them things.
  • The only place they are going to learn to be a responsible adult is in your home.

Parenting Tip/Pocket Phrase

“No one member of the family is more important than the family.”

Announcement

The next session is on Ask Dr Leman. If you have a question or thought regarding this topic, please leave us a voicemail for the next session. It must be under 30 seconds for the podcast. We reserve the right to use your question on the podcast. (This is NOT a private voicemail for personal counseling.)

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Podcast by: Dr. Kevin Leman with Doug & Andrea Terpening Blog: Doug Terpening

050: The Secret to Setting the Ideal Age for Dating, Driving and More.

Dating at age 16 was the rule in my family. My older sister was clearly ready at age 16. I was so immature at 16. On my first date, I remember showing up late to pick my date up. I dropped her off late. I talked about myself the whole time. For some reason, the girl didn’t want a second date.

 

Kid in diaper LISTEN HERE

Play

 

Why do we use age as the defining term for privileges?

Tradition is the main reason parents use age to determine when privileges are given to their kids. Their parents used age as the guiding light. Their fellow parents use age as the key marker.

There are society age markers, like driver’s license at age 16. These society markers effect when we give privileges to our kids.

Maturity is subjective

Individual kids grow up faster than others. Girls grow up quicker than boys. Kids in the same family will mature at different rates. So, to set privileges based on age ignores the individual child’s maturity and readiness.

How do you know when they are ready?

First, take age out of the equation. Observe them as they grow up. The first question to ask is, “How do they treat you the parent?”  The second question to ask is, “Are they responsible with their current jobs, like school, dishes, mowing the lawn, etc?” If both of those are poor, then why would you give them more responsibilities.

Do you ever remove privileges based on lack of maturity?

Yes, remove privileges if they are disrespectful, bad mouth you or have no relationship with you, the parent. You have 4 aces, so use them to remove privileges.

Action Steps:

  1. Start early with the expectation that maturity, not age is the determining factor.
  2. Say at an early age, “Your maturity will decide when this happens.”
  3. Don’t be afraid to remove privilege if they don’t display maturity.

Parenting Tip/ Pocket Answer

Maturity, Not Age

Announcement

The next session is on Ask Dr Leman. If you have a question or thought regarding this topic, please leave us a voicemail for the next session. It must be under 30 seconds for the podcast. We reserve the right to use your question on the podcast. (This is NOT a private voicemail for personal counseling.)

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P.S. We love any sharing and feedback.

 

Jenni_Lott_Davis

 

 

Podcast by: Dr. Kevin Leman with Doug & Andrea Terpening Blog: Doug Terpening

049: Ask Dr. Leman (Tramboline Parents, Soccer Snub)

Your spouse wants a trampoline and you are 100% against it. What do you do? Your child worked hard and had a great attitude, yet got a soccer snub from the coach. What do you do? In this episode, Dr. Leman answers those questions.

Questions

LISTEN HERE
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Items from the podcast

Question #1: Audio: My husband is overly safe about what the kids can and cannot do. He is robbing them of their childhood by not allowing them use a trampoline or other things like it.

Answer:

  • Your husband is cautious. He is a worrier. He most likely a 1st born Male.
  • The Leman family has a trampoline with clear rules, like an adult must be there when the kids are on it.
  • You need move in his direction.
  • Your husband is likely hovering and hindering the kids by being worried.
  • His cautious nature will help you later in life like his concern over retirement, savings, etc.
  • When you do talk to your husband about the trampoline, use these words, “Can you tell me more about your concerns?”
  • Agree with your husband as much as possible.
  • When you do want to share your opinion, use soft statements like, “I may be way out of bounds, but could we think about _________________.”
  • Then ask your husband how he would solve the issue of safety with a trampoline. Men love to be asked how to solve a problem.

Question #2: Audio: My son’s soccer coach said each kid would be recognized for their hard work every week after the game. Every kid got recognized but one, my son. How do I deal with the disappointment?

Answer:

  • The key is for you the parent to affirm them and their effort.
  • Say, “I know you have worked hard. I am so proud of how hard you have worked this year. Your father and I appreciate the way you handled the situation. We loved watching you play.”
  • Also say, “I am sure there are more disappointment to come your way.” Prepare them for the reality that life will have disappointments.
  • If you child had come home very angry, put his fist through the wall and threw chair around the room, then the discussion would be quite different.

Parenting Tip/ Pocket Answer

Can you tell me more about it?

Announcement

The next session is on Maturity, Not Age. If you have a question or thought regarding this topic, please leave us a voicemail for the next session. It must be under 30 seconds for the podcast. We reserve the right to use your question on the podcast. (This is NOT a private voicemail for personal counseling.)

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048: Get Rid of Teenage Clothing Problems Once and For All

Andrea’s friend had the best jeans: dark blue with purple stitching, enhanced by sparkles. Oh, Andrea wanted a pair just like her friend. They were way more than her parents had ever spent on a pair of jeans, yet, she really, really wanted them.

Shopping teen

Today, the pressure to have the right clothes has only grown stronger. How do you, parent, deal with expense and the style? Dr. Leman gives parents ideas on how to deal with this.

LISTEN HERE
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Why is clothing such a big issue?

As we see it, there are two basic issues here: budgeting and modesty.

The clothing that our kids are pressured to wear is not only expensive, but often very immodest. Just about everything around them is sensual–the singers, actors, TV shows, and advertisements. Kids act like lemmings, following the cultural example in order to be accepted by their peers.

Is their a way to work around this without angering or alienating your kid?  Yes there is!

Basic Advice

  1. Set a budget for clothes.
  2. Give cash in hand to each kid. This is all the cash they will get for that time.
  3. Let them figure out how to get the most out of the money.
  4. Start at age 8 or 9.
  5. Kids will not make great decisions at first. That is okay. They will learn quickly.
  6. Focus on the worth of that child when talking about modesty.
  7. If there is a conflict over modesty, ask them, “Is this what you want to portray about yourself? Is this who you are?”

How do you talk to your teenagers about this?

If you are establishing a new course in regards to clothing, sit down with your teenager to discuss it. First off, apologize that you have not set the right precedent with regards to clothes shopping and are establishing a new routine. Tell your daughter how you value her, how beautiful she is, how you enjoy her and how bad choices have been made in the past about clothes. The new routine is going to be a set amount of cash in her hand, plus mom, or mom and dad, going with her to shop for clothes. If the clothing is immodest, then it will have to be bypassed or returned.

When she gets upset about this new routine, stay the course and stay calm. Tell her that she only has a few more years of living with you and then she can spend her own money however she wants to. Explain to her why modesty is important and what it says to others, especially boys. Remind her that she is spending your money and you have this right as a parent.

 

If you want to hear super duper great example of how to talk to your teenager, listen to Dr. Leman role play at the episode’s end!

Announcement

The next session is on Ask Dr Leman. If you have a question or thought regarding this topic, please leave us a voicemail for the next session. It must be under 30 seconds for the podcast. We reserve the right to use your question on the podcast. (This is NOT a private voicemail for personal counseling.)

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If you have an idea for a podcast or a question about an upcoming episode, e-mail me. If you enjoyed the show, please rate it on iTunes and write a brief review. That would help tremendously in getting the word out! Thanks.

Podcast by: Dr. Kevin Leman with Doug & Andrea Terpening Blog: Doug Terpening

047: Ask Dr. Leman 19 (Sex Talk)

“Uh, Mom, how are babies made? Where do babies come from? How do they get out of your belly?” Your children want the answer to these questions. What do you tell them and at what age?

Questions

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Items in the podcast

Question #1: {audio question} Erika asks, “My 8 year old daughter was searching the internet for the answer to how babies are born. When should I start talking to her about this and how much do I talk about conception and birth with her?

Answer:

  • This is a golden opportunity to have the discussion. When you are discussing sex and babies be loving, factual, joyful and natural.
  • You talking to her about sex allows you to set in her mind the values you have about sex.
  • Get dad involved to tell his daughter how precious she is in God’s sight; how precious she is to dad; how boys view girls; what boys are thinking about; etc. He can help her stand against the wrongful treatment of women.
  • When you answer your children’s questions, frame it within a value system. Explain the long-term ramifications of sex, pregnancy and birth.
  • If your kids ask a question, answer them. It is a wonderful opportunity for you to answer the deep issues of life. Answering them now, opens the door for future questions to come your way. It says all and every question is welcome.

Parenting Tip/ Pocket Answer

Answer every question early, so you can answer the harder questions later.

Announcement

The next session is on Clothing. If you have a question or thought regarding this topic, please leave us a voicemail for the next session. It must be under 30 seconds for the podcast. We reserve the right to use your question on the podcast. (This is NOT a private voicemail for personal counseling.)

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Question: How do you stay calm in the heat of defiance?

046: 3 No Brainer Ideas to Make Your Child a Successful Student. Part 3

House of Horror or Home of Wonder?

My parents marched into the classroom and demanded to know why their son got a B. It was tense. This was my first B in high school and it was clear that this was not an acceptable behavior. I learned right then and there that school was about getting A’s above everything else. I had to figure out the system and make sure I never got another B. School was no longer interesting. School was about gaming the system to get the desired results.

Kid having a tantrum

LISTEN HERE
Play

1. School Work Death March, or Fun & Meaningful?

  1. Set the expectation that school and grades are important. Help your kids by getting them into a good school with good teachers.
  2. You need to be excited about the school work. Be positive.
  3. Asking,”Tell me a little about the material,” is a great way to encourage your child on what they are learning. They want to tell you.
  4. Use dinner table conversation as a way to reinforce the positive tone towards school.
  5. Be engaged with your kid’s school work at an early age.

2. When things don’t go right

If they get bad grades,
1. Say, “These aren’t my grades. These are your grades.”
2. Say, “I’d love to hear your thoughts on these grades.”
3. Love them no matter what happens.
4. Keep in contact with their teacher about why they struggled.

3. Celebrate and Encourage their effort, don’t praise the grade.

1. Encourage them by saying, “Your decision to take school seriously and your hard work is paying off.”
2. Encouragement focusses on diligence, kindness, gratitude, effort, etc.
3. Praise, which is not helpful, focuses on the person. Kids are self-centered enough. Focus on their effort.

Steps to help your children:

  1. Affirm your kid’s feelings.
  2. Ask a question about school after the first 6 weeks.
  3. Identify that school gets tougher each year.
  4. Ask, “How can we help you overcome this wall now?”
  5. Let’s figure out how to alter things around here to help you be successful.
  6. I’m sure we can free up some time for you. We suggest ___________.

Parenting Tip/ Pocket Answer

These aren’t my grades. These are your grades.

Announcement

The next session is on Ask Dr. Leman. If you have a question or thought regarding this topic, please leave us a voicemail for the next session. It must be under 30 seconds for the podcast. We reserve the right to use your question on the podcast. (This is NOT a private voicemail for personal counseling.)

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If you have an idea for a podcast or a question about an upcoming episode, e-mail me. If you enjoyed the show, please rate it on iTunes and write a brief review. That would help tremendously in getting the word out! Thanks.

Podcast by: Dr. Kevin Leman with Doug & Andrea Terpening Blog: Doug Terpening

045: Ask Dr. Leman 18 (Tower Terror; Homework=Yelling)

Ever had a kid that loses it over lego tower that falls down? Do your attempts to help with homework end in yelling and tears? Dr. Leman shares his insights on how to deal with both.

Questions

LISTEN HERE
Play

Items in the podcast

Question #1: {audio} My son is 7 years old and gets super angry when doing simple things like playing with legos. How do we avoid the melt downs?

Answer:

  • The words we use determine the course of their life.
  • The next time he acts out say, “This is a big deal to you. It is not a big deal to me.” Then walk away.
  • By walking away, you withdraw the audience he is seeking.
  • He is a budding perfectionist. He need to experience failure while he is living with you. Failure is not final. It is a stepping stone.

Question #2: {audio} My child is 8 and has a learning disability. Every night, we have a homework battle. It usually ends with us yelling at one another or tears. How do we get the homework done without the yelling and tears?

Answer:

  • It is really good that you, the parent, are working to increase their reading skills. Ask the school for additional help. They often have a reading specialist available.
  • Work hard now to get them to a good reader, because the school work gets harder in the next grade, 4th grade. There is a lot more reading in the 4th grade.
  • Let the teacher be the bad guy. Work with the teacher on how to get his homework done. One idea is to ask the teacher to have your son come to the front of the room and share his homework from last night, when you know he hasn’t done it.
  • Find your son a good spot to do this homework. Make it the homework spot.
  • Give him time to decompress from school. Then homework starts at 4:00 pm.
  • Listen to episode 045 about homework.
  • Apply, “B doesn’t happen till A is done.” Listen here for more information.

Parenting Tip/ Pocket Answer

Failure is not final. It is a stepping stone.

Announcement

The next session is on 3 No Brainer Ideas to Make Your Child a Successful Student. If you have a question or thought regarding this topic, please leave us a voicemail for the next session. It must be under 30 seconds for the podcast. We reserve the right to use your question on the podcast. (This is NOT a private voicemail for personal counseling.)

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044: 3 No Brainer Ideas to Make Your Child a Successful Student. Part 2

Don’t buy a ticket to the Homework Dog and Pony Show

How often did Dr. Leman help his kids with their homework? How often did Dr. Leman ask his kids if they finished their homework? His answers make sense, but do they really work? Find out in this episode. A tired mother and her daughter doing homework inside Dr. Kevin Leman never asked if his kids finished their homework. He keeps the tennis ball of life on their side of the court. So, they learn to be responsible for their own work.

LISTEN HERE
Play

 

1. It is their life and it is their homework, not yours.

Let the teacher be the authority to get the work done. Your children will learn that they will be responsible for their work by others than mom and dad. When the report card comes home, Dr. Leman recommends saying to your kids, “I have a hard time understanding why, they send me YOUR report card. This is your report card. How do you feel about this report card?”

I’ll never know if my kids are doing good or bad in school, if I don’t ask.

Your kids want you to be engaged in their life. They will volunteer information about their school work. Your job is to show interest in their work. If they volunteer information, be positive and keep it their homework. Feel free to call the teacher and ask how you can help support the teacher to insure his school work gets done.

What do I do if their grades are poor?

The next time, they want to do or go somewhere, say, “Nope, we need to have this conversation about your grades. Within 4 years, a person will look at your grades from High School and will make inferences about you from those grades. If those grades are poor, they won’t want to accept you into college or a job. Are you happy with those grades? What do we need to do to get them up?”

2. School first, play second.

Set the school first culture early. Get your child their own special spot to study. Set it up with their favorite pencil, good lighting and their touch. Set a specific time that homework starts, like 4 pm. This gives your kids the routine that I have my place, my stuff and a set time that school work gets done. Give your kid some time to play or decompress when the first get home from school, then encourage them to go to their spot and do their school work. Early on and later, put up their “work” on the frig. Show off their homework.

3. Don’t load the wagon so full.

Make sure your child has enough time for the important things of life as well as the extra activities. Does your child have time to simply enjoy life? Does your child have time for his friends to come over? Does your child have enough time to get his school work done? Be pro-active in evaluating what does on the family wagon, so you kid’s can do the important things.

Parenting Tip/ Pocket Answer

It is their life and it is their homework, not yours

Announcement

The next session is on Ask Dr. Leman. If you have a question or thought regarding this topic, please leave us a voicemail for the next session. It must be under 30 seconds for the podcast. We reserve the right to use your question on the podcast. (This is NOT a private voicemail for personal counseling.)

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If you have an idea for a podcast or a question about an upcoming episode, e-mail me. If you enjoyed the show, please rate it on iTunes and write a brief review. That would help tremendously in getting the word out! Thanks. Podcast by: Dr. Kevin Leman with Doug & Andrea Terpening Blog: Doug Terpening

043: Ask Dr. Leman 17 (Outcast Informer; Crazy Divorce Parenting)

“Mom, guess what, Joe just ate a piece of candy!”

Do you want to stop the informant cycle?

Do you struggle with the reality of two homes and two parenting styles with your ex?

Dr. Leman shares with wit and wisdom how to address both.

Questions

LISTEN HERE

Play

Items in the podcast

Question #1: My child is the informant on her brother. The brother hates her for it. I wants her to stop. How do I stop her informant behavior?

Answer:

  • Talk to her about her future. Ask, “Does she want people to like her?” “Does she want people to hang out with her.” Remind her that no one likes a Narc. If she keeps this up, she will find herself without friends.
  • Say this to her:
    • I am upset that that you act as the informant.
    • You are acting as though you are the parent.
    • You are not God or the judge.
    • I never asked you to inform me.
    • I think less of you when you do this.
    • I can’t change this. You must change yourself.
    • Only time I want you to inform me is when there is a real health danger or someone’s safety is at risk.
  • New action plan for your daughter. Ask her to do this.
    • Count to ten, the next time she feels like informing me.
    • Ask yourself, should I tell Mom? Is this a health or safety issue?
    • I will be courageous enough to not tell mom.

 

Question #2:

I am remarried and my ex-wife is remarried. My ex-wife runs a loose parenting home. The rules at her house are not like the ones at my house. How do I help my 6 year old daughter hold to my standards, when my ex-wife is so different? How do I keep parenting consistent between the two homes?

Answer:

  • Why should a 6 year old go from house to house? Let her live in one home. She didn’t choose this, yet she is the one that has to bounce back and forth. Explore the option of your daughter living at one home.
  • As the father, you are the most important person to your daughter. Take time to know her and her world. Affirm her femininity.
  • Don’t bad mouth your ex or her home to your daughter. Don’t ask about the other home.
  • Go easy on giving her things. She needs you and your words of encouragement.

Announcement

The next session is on 3 No Brainer Ideas to Make Your Child a Successful Student. If you have a question or thought regarding this topic, please leave us a voicemail for the next session. It must be under 30 seconds for the podcast. We reserve the right to use your question on the podcast. (This is NOT a private voicemail for personal counseling.)

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Podcast by: Dr. Kevin Leman with Andrea and Doug Terpening   Post by: Doug Terpening

 

042: 3 No Brainer Ideas to Make Your Child a Successful Student. Part 1

“Sid, come to my office. We need to talk.” As Sid sat there wondering what was happening, the school official said, “Sid, I really like you. I believe in you. Yet, your grades aren’t cutting it here. You know it and I know it. Here is the good news. People with your character and values go on to be the CEOs of the straight A students. Yes, I am kicking you out of this college. Good luck.”

Tired high school student

Here is the irony to Sid’s story. Sid is now one of the largest donors to that school. He ended up being that CEO. In fact, a CEO of a Fortune 500 company. It wasn’t his grades that made him successful. It was what his parents put into him as a kid while he was in school that made him successful.

LISTEN HERE

Play

Part 1: Read, read, read and when in doubt, read to your kids.

 

Successful is…

Sid was asked to leave his school because of his low grades. But he was a success because his parents taught him a love of learning and good life skills. A successful student isn’t defined by the grades on their report card.

A successful student is one that: enjoys learning, is self-motivated, and connects the dots about others, like gratitude. Learning is a life-long journey. Life skills out-perform good grades.

Reading is the Building Block

Want to be an Attorney? You will have to read a lot. Want to be a Doctor, an Engineer, an Actor, or a Salesman? You will have to read a lot to be successful in your career.

As my friend, Jeff Brown of Read to Lead, says, “Readers Lead and Leaders Read.” If you want to succeed above and beyond, reading is necessary.

Encourage Reading by Reading

Andrea’s favorite afternoon activity with her young children was to read a book for 20 minutes as she fell asleep on the coach. The kids joke that mom would read and start to slur her words as she fell asleep. The point is that Andrea made a routine to always find time to read, no matter how tired.

Andrea would let the kids decide which books they wanted to read. (For full disclosure, the book, “Go, Dog, Go” was accidentally left outside during a thunderstorm and ruined, so she didn’t have to read it anymore.)

When teaching reading to the kids, let them struggle and do it themselves. It will drive you crazy at times to help them with the word “that” for the 10,000th time their reading skills will grow much faster.

When your child reads to you, overlook the mispronounced words. They will eventually get it. Better they believe they can read and enjoy the experience at a young age.

Support Creativity by being Creative

Crayons are cheap. Paper is cheap. Creativity is priceless.

Give your kids lots of object to be creative with. Our kids love using the toilet paper rolls for all sorts of creative projects. It doesn’t need to be fancy or expensive for it to be fun to your kids.

Your response to their projects is important to encourage them to explore more. Hanging the project on the wall or refrigerator  is way more important than a perfect looking home.

The tablet and phone will grab your children’s attention if this is what you grab first to entertain your kids. Grab crayons and craft paper first. Dream with your kids and watch them take off.

Action Steps

  • Find a time and create a habit to read to your young kids.
  • Define a successful student as someone that loves reading and learning.
  • Let them choose books that they want to read.
  • Encourage them to practice reading and let them struggle through the words.
  • Get crayons and craft items for your kids to create works of art.

Parenting Tip/ Pocket Answer

Readers will flourish.

Announcement

The next session is on Ask Dr Leman. If you have a question or thought regarding this topic, please leave us a voicemail for the next session. It must be under 30 seconds for the podcast. We reserve the right to use your question on the podcast. (This is NOT a private voicemail for personal counseling.)

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Podcast by: Dr. Kevin Leman with Doug & Andrea Terpening Blog: Doug Terpening