Can anyone else relate to this little comic- or is it just me?! With out littlest Leman out of the house, Mrs. Uppington and I are having to call our 2nd oldest daughter that lives in town to help us fix our computers or turn on the TV. She now answers the phone, “Hello Tech Support.”

Anyways, Allowances.

Any of these sound familiar?

“I give Matt, our 14-year old, an allowance every week. But he’s always coming back to me the day after he receives the money asking for more money for something he’s just got to have it’s driving me crazy”

“We give all three of our kids- who are 12, 14, and 16 the same amount of allowances every week. But our 16-year old is constantly asking to borrow money for our 12-yera old… and getting it! Should we give more to the 16 year old because he’s older? Or be fair and keep the amount consistent?”

or

“Our 2 children, ages 11 and 13 are vastly different in personality. Jen, the oldest, is a hard worker. Always doing extra chores. Mark, our youngest, has to be prodded away from his Wii serval times in order to get his own chores done. I was raised in a home where everything was ‘even Steven’. But it always drove me crazy when I would do all the work and my little brother and I got the same amount of allowance. I don’t want to make Mark feel inferior by giving him less money, what should I do?”

Here’s my 2 cents on allowances:

Giving allowances is one of those areas that influence many other areas. Money a child has at his fingertips, how he has received that money, and how he views that money affect not only what he’s able to buy or save but how he feels about himself. In my view, an allowance is part of a family’s recreational budget. It’s one of the perks of being a family member. This is very different view than most of us grew up with. Remember, the chore list on the refrigerator? We all groaned about it, but we did it (unless we could get our little sister to do it for us!) because it was the only way to get paid.

Clean your room: 50 cents
Set the table: 10 cents
Take out the garbage: 20 cents

Doing those chores directly related to how much money we received in our allowance each week. But here’s what I am suggesting: every family member should automatically receive an allowance from the family’s recreational budget. Some family members, due to age and abilities, will have more work to do than others. For example, you wouldn’t expect a 6-year old to do the same kind of work that you would expect from a 14 year-old. But by the same token, the older child also has some perks that younger child doesn’t have- like a later bedtime and freedom to go out with friends.

I suggest that you start a child with an allowance around the age of 5. Give the child, say 5 quarters ($1.25 per week). Age 5 is also a good age at which to begin teaching the value of money. As a child gets older, increase their allowance with respect to her or his age.

Little Kayla, who is 8, is a saver. She puts every penny she received into her buy-a-horse-someday fund. But last year when she heard about a little girl who lost her home in a flood, she dipped into her allowance and sent that girl’s family a special gift- from her own heart and finances. Encourage your kids to think about how they could help other people with their savings.

Children need to know that when the money is spent, it’s spent. There’s no free lunch in life. If your child ask for more money because he/she used it up, say, “Well, payday isn’t until Saturday. I’m sure you’ll make something work.”

Children also need to know that upholding their end of the bargain as a family member is important. If they don’t there are consequences. Let’s say your son doesn’t mow the lawn like he is supposed to, instead of bickering what if you quietly hired another sibling to cut the lawn? What if the money it cost to hire someone else was taken out of your son’s allowance the following week? Do you think you’d get them message across?

Allowances teach children how to manage money- and they also teach children firsthand about consequences. If your child does not get around to a certain task, don’t cajole her, remind her , or lecture her. Simply hire someone else to do that task and take whatever you had to pay that person from your child’s allowance. No threats-no warnings- only action.

I go into even more detail about allowances in the book Have A New Kid By Friday. How do allowances work in your house? What works, what doesn’t? What will you take from this post? Comments, shares and tweets are welcomed and appreciated! Have a great week!

Sound familiar?

Grooters Productions is filming a video curriculum based on Have a New Kid by Friday. We are looking for parents of all kinds and ages to participate as audience members. THERE ARE ONLY 50 SEATS AVAILABLE – RSVP NOW TO BE PART OF THIS FREE EVENT!

Filming will take place on Wednesday, April 18 from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. at Grooters Productions Studios, 17 West Sixth Street, Holland, MI. Lunch will be provided.

Would love to see you there. RSVP NOW to reserve your seat! Contact Grooters Productions at 616-546-4000 to reserve your spot. Adults only please.

Can’t attend? Please share with your friends on Facebook and Twitter to help get the word out!

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go” 

If you are going through this heartache right now, know that you are not alone. Other parents have dealt effectively with their prodigal. Yes, continue to pray for your son or daughter. Remember that God sometimes puts us through trials to make us stronger. Realize that this tough time on you might be a necessary step in your child’s faith journey and coming to the truth of what life is all about.

As always your comments are welcome!  What say you?

You might hear from your kid, as many parents do these days, this idea that smoking weed is no big deal. More and more cities and states are “decriminalizing” marijuana and so-called “medical marijuana” joints (pun intended) are popping up in communities around the country. So much so that the government has started to send letters to those that are too close to high schools.

When you talk to your kids about drugs, I would suggest a terse comment that includes the words “Whitney Houston.”  Houston’s life ended at age 48. That’s deeply tragic, but also avoidable.  The lesson here is that other people–not just the user–are affected by drug abuse.  In Whitney’s case, her friends, her daughter, her family, and her fans are now hurting from her decisions. Whether you are a superstar or a regular one, you’re self-destructive decisions in life take a toll on those you love, and those that love you!

What researchers have known for years is that if you expose a developing brian to drugs or alcohol, you run the risk of making that person more susceptible to addiction.  It’s as though you are training the brain as it is growing–conditioning it for addictive behavior down the road. Researchers also tell us that kids are smoking pot and drinking alcohol earlier than ever. Putting those two together, we could have a generation of addicts in the making (not just drugs, but addiction of all flavors).

Another well known fact is that the part of the brain that is slowest to mature is the part that deals with judgment. Don’t believe me?  Call your insurance agency today and insure your 16-year-old to drive your car. You’ll quickly find that their extremely high insurance rates that are tied to facts that young people don’t always use the best judgment.  Of course, you may have already experienced your own son or daughter’s lack of common sense.

With Whitney Houston’s death still in the news, I just don’t understand people like Tony Bennett coming out and again stating their support for the legalization of drugs. Some of these guys think they are economists.  They are talking about all the money that could be gained by taxing the now illegal drug market. Well, we tax alcohol and cigarettes very heavily in our country today. And quite frankly, the revenues received through taxation don’t come near the damage that cigarettes and alcohol take on the lives of our citizens. I always like Tony Bennett, in fact I met the man, believe it or not in San Francisco, while doing a TV show. But I think that Tony and others supporting his position have left their minds back in San Francisco.

So here are a few tips for those of us that want our kids to make good decisions in life.  Remember, you are your child’s best teacher:

1. Make sure your kids have plenty of practice making decisions in your home. This is their safe place to learn good judgment, vs. bad.
2. Ask your what your kids’ opinion is on everyday family issues!
3. Make sure you have POSITIVE expectations for your kids (Raise a child UP in the way they should go)
4. Find ways, like discussing Whitney Houston’s death this week, to negatively imprint drug usage in your kids minds at a young age.
5. Get to know your child’s friends and their families!
6. Your house should be the centerpiece of your kids social life! Yes, it might mean you have to spring for pizza. But I would rather have my kids hanging out at my home then someone else’s. Your kids might be surprised that their friends like you!
7. Beware of your child’s money supply. Kids should get allowances, but if your kid starts having money and you are unaware of its source, that is a red flag.
8. When a child’s grades fall right off the table, that is a pretty good indication that your son or daughter has discovered the world of drugs. Smoking weed diminishes motivation.
9. Don’t tell yourself “My kid would never do such a thing!” Because obviously kids that get hooked on drugs come from a variety of home situations.

If your child is already using drugs, you have to directly confront the issue. Get him or her to a group that deals with drug usage effectively.  Personally, I think Teen Challenge does a great job.  Do not become the enabler! Do not make excuses for your kids! And pray. Pray every day.

Now go talk with your kids. Not at your kids.  Use public events, like Whitney Houston’s death, as a springboard to talk about the difficult issues surrounding drug use.

Who are “they?”  You know, Hershey’s and Hallmark and every florist in the land. And that is one of the things I really dislike about Valentines Day. Out of 366 days you get this leap year, there’s only one little day for love? Call me hopelessly romantic–you wouldn’t be the first–but I think every day should be Valentine’s Day.
Before I go on and semi-eloquently describe Valentines Day, let me show you I can be practical.

If I were to get my wife a heart-shaped candy box from Walgreens, she’d probably hit me over the head with it.  My wife’s idea of Valentine’s Day is a nice dinner out, just the two of us. As our children became adults I can recall double-dating for Valentine’s Day dinner.  You are supposed to get smarter as you get older!

This year, I will take Mrs. Uppington out to one of those restaurants that I call, a 4 forker!  But I don’t do it on Valentines Day, I will do it  tonight, on Feb 13th.  As for the flowers, once again she will get those sweetheart roses and, in all probability, they will be pretty pink. On Feb 14, prices aren’t inflated, reservations are easy to make, and well, I just like to do things differently!

If you take up my offer to do dinner on the 13th then some of you are asking well what do I do on the 14th?

Why don’t you do something you know your husband or wife would love.  Maybe it’s hiring a babysitter to watch the kids so she can have a day to herself…a day without any demands upon her!

Or, think about what your husband would really like to do on Valentines Day.  Guys are SO much easier to shop for that way. We like it free, fun, and frequent…if you catch my meaning.

But back to my point, Valentines Day ought to be every day in marriage.  How could that be possible? Isn’t that terribly unrealistic?

Listen up, it’s the little things that count.  You keep a marriage alive by:

> Tucking a little card in your husband’s luggage right before he leaves for a business trip.  

> Writing a note in soap on the mirror where your lovely gets dressed in the morning.  

> Being thoughtful and considerate everyday.  You are at the grocery store — You got a cell phone!  How much effort does it take to make a call “Honey, I am at the store, is there anything you need”.  

> Washing her car for her…complete the job by vacuuming it out

> Putting a little money in her purse with a note attached to it.  

> Making sure HE knows that you need him and want him.  

> Going away for a night together!  

> Sending a Valentine email that says, “Great news, the kids are at Grandmas house!  I am waiting for you to get home!”

If your marriage is rocky right now, you might dread Valentine’s Day. As you look for that perfect card you are probably not going to find one that says “I am not sure we are going to make it, and I am fearful of what lies ahead.”  But maybe you could be strong enough to find a cute little card that has no words inside of it.  And maybe you could write a heartfelt handwritten message that says you wish things were different and you are willing and you to meet your spouse halfway, and that you want to try to make this week, month and year much different than last.

That would be a better than Godiva Chocolates, flowers, or boxer shorts with hearts on them!  A lot of people are counting on you to stay married!  As I have said many times, marriage isn’t easy, but it is simple… The truth of the matter is, it’s not a 50/50 relationship it’s 100/100!

So, I know it’s past Jan 1, but wouldn’t a good resolution be to make an effort to affectionally love your wife? You could love her better just by to listening to her and honoring her by looking her in the eyes while she’s talking (psst! No interruptions, eye-rolls, heavy sighs, etc.)

And wives, wouldn’t it be an equally a good idea to make sure that he feels needed and wanted by YOU?

When was the last time you looked in your husband’s eyes and told him how much you need him? Maybe you never have. But your husband needs to hear you tell him that you need him and don’t want to live without him. It probably doesn’t make as much sense to you, but guys need this stuff. It makes us feel respected and important in the eyes of our wives. Yes, that’s part ego, but you’re speaking to your man’s deeper needs.  If you can’t say that very easily, maybe you need to look inside of yourself and see what the hang up is.

So go have a nice dinner on the tonight!  Rekindle your marriage and focus on what is important… not only on Valentines Day, but every day.

Oh and one last thing…today, I have a little freebie for you that I think you will like!  

You can get the eBook Have a New Husband by Friday for free TODAY ONLY!  Download yours now for Nook and Kindle!

Click HERE for Nook

Click HERE for Kindle

But someone once said, “Fish and company smell after three days.” And I’ve heard enough horror stories to know that my experience is NOT the norm.

Do you remember the milestone years in your life?  Remember turning 18 and thinking that you were on your own?  Remember turning 21 and telling yourself that you are legal? The problem is most of us, especially guys, are not grown up until we’re 25 or older.

Now, if you are going to have your adult kids living in your home for any reason, you would be very smart to set up basic guidelines. Another old saying is that “good fences make good neighbors.” And when it comes to this issue, I guarantee you need a fence.

Although your home might be rent free, it is not duty free!   It’s a home, not a hotel, and your child cannot just come and go as they please (no matter how grown up they think they are).

If you could walk the halls of the average college dorm at 2 in the morning, you’d see many kids are not home yet. And many of them are still awake!  While your son or daughter sees coming home at 3 in the morning at your house completely normal, you must set the expectation that this is not a dorm, but a home.

Your kid thinks,”Hey, I’m 21, you can’t tell me when to be home!”

But the truth is, “You are right. You are 21 and I can’t tell you when to come home. But if you come home at 3 in the morning and wake us up when you come through the door and the dog is barking… your seemingly innocent behavior now is impeding on the rights of us old folks that live in this home and pay the mortgage.”

Am I saying that on occasion a kid cannot stay out late?  Absolutely not. But it would need to be agreed on by both parent and child.

I know that college-aged kids living at home can easily turn into a nightmare. Before you agree to this, as a couple you should agree to the “fences” that you need to put in place. If you’re not on the same page, forget it. It’s doomed before you even start!

These agreements should be revisited every semester and during the summer. You might discover (or your son or daughter!) that living together at home is all it’s cracked up to be. They might want to strike out on their own. That is a real good experience for young adults to understand that REAL landlords require cash up front, security deposits, and many other expectations that are part of the real world.

Here’s some ideas for how you can build “good fences” with your young adult living at home.

1. Clean up after yourself

2  Help around the house

3. Every day ask, “What can I do to help?”

4. Respect your family members

These things mean different things to each family, so YOU have to color in that picture. Your son may think cleaning up means dropping the dirty dishes in the sink for someone else to clean. Be clearer than a kindergarten teacher on what your expectations are for living in YOUR home.

Now, many parents want to provide a free place to their children as a way of helping them get started or to help with their education.  That’s all well and good, but I know other parents that say, “If my adult child is living here, especially if they working, they should be paying rent!”

If that is the case, the rent needs to be agreed to and it needs to be paid on a specific day of the month. Cash only, no checks please!  As I saw in the store the other day “No checks please, we have a good supply from last year!

If things go awry, it’s time for reality discipline. You have to say, “Honey, things obviously aren’t working out, as your Mom and Dad we are giving you 30 days notice to remove what you need from our home because this clear is not working.”

Realize that you child might be shocked that you are taking such action.  After all, they probably think its “their” home. But reiterate the many reasons why this is not working. Ideally these will be things you’ve already shared and given fair warning that they need to change in order for the arrangement to continue.

But if you’ve asked for improvement, and you are still getting woken up in the wee hours in the morning you have to act. If you are still cleaning dirty dishes and laundry, it’s time for an intervention.

Be firm, and you will soon realize that you will probably get along better with your son or daughter once they are out on their own, living in an apartment, and and having the rights and responsibilities of young adulthood squarely on their shoulders.

Remember it’s a house…not a hotel!  It’s up to you to follow through if is not being treated like one.

Today, I have an interesting topic on my mind for you…

How many of you said you were never going to say what your parents said to you? More than that, how many of you now say what they used to say to you and now YOU sound just like THEM!! This just goes to show that what parents model STICKS!

There are three types of parents, and who you are as a parent has a lot to do with the way your child responds to you. I’ve talked about this in depth in other books (Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours is a good resource)

Let me give you the summarized version.

Does this sound like you?

“Buford, have you chosen to go to bed yet?”

Do you want to make sure your child never fails? Are you continually doing things for your child that he could do for himself? Are you your child’s best friend at every turn? Do you find it hard or impossible to say no to him? Promising a reward if he does what you ask?

A permissive parent:

-Places the priority on the child, not on his or her spouse.
-Robs the child of self-respect and self-esteem by doing things for her that he child can do for himself
-Provides the child with the “Disneyland” experience; make things as easy as possible-does homework for the child.. etc..
-Invites rebellion with inconsistent parenting

Does this sound like you?

“You go to bed RIGHT NOW!”

Are you always right? Do you bark out orders to your kid and threaten him with warnings if he doesn’t immediately do what you say? Do you tell him how to do life in no uncertain terms?

An authoritarian parent:

-Makes all decision for the child
-Uses reward and punishment to control the child’s behavior
-Sees himself as better than the child
-Runs the home with an iron hand; grants little freedom to the child

Does this sound like you?

“Let me know when you’ve brushed you teeth, and I’ll come in a tuck you in”

Do you ask your children the facts about a situation and what they think about it before you jump to conclusions? Do you give them age-appropriate choices? D o you look out for their welfare, yet allow them to experience the consequences of their behaviors?

An authoritative or responsible parent:

-Gives the child choices and formulates guidelines with him
-Provides the child with decision-making opportunities
-Develops consistent, loving discipline
-Holds the child accountable
-Lets reality be the teacher
-Conveys respect, self-worth, and love to the child and therefore enhances the child’s self-esteem

You as the parent are in the position to leave an indelible mark on your child. And you do it often without even being aware of it! The truth is, both extremes (permissive and authoritarian) will cause children to rebel. What a permissive parent, there are no guidelines, and children flounder. With the authoritarian parent, everything is heavy-handed. The wise parent finds middle ground!

Put it into practice!

Let’s say you are sitting down for dinner, and your child isn’t crazy about your food choice of pork chops.

The permissive parent would say, “Oh, honey, do you want a cheeseburger instead? I’ll get up right now and make one for you!”
The authoritarian parent would say “Eat it! Pork chops are good for you. And you better clean your plate.”
The authoritative parent would say, “I know pork chops aren’t your favorite, but that’s what I made for dinner tonight. If you want to make yourself something else afterward, that’s fine. But thanks for sitting with us at dinner anyway. Dinner as a family is important” The authoritative parent is majoring on the relationship and minoring on everything else!

Reflect:

What parenting style did you see yourself as? Why did you label yourself as you did? Do you follow your own parents’ parenting style? Try to challenge yourself to find the balance… Let me know how you do!

(Like this post?  You would enjoy reading, Have A New Kid By Friday, get it here)

We had a great Christmas, all of my five kids were home!  And in typical Leman style, we had fun.  It’s great to have kids who love each other and love us.

Can you guess who is who?

At this time of year everyone is talking about resolutions for the coming year.  So I thought I would take time this first blogpost to give you some suggestions to make sure that your relationships with those you love most are strong and healthy!  I am sure many of you made a resolution to be a better parent or spouse… If so, leave a comment, tell me your goals!

Tips for parenting: 

1. Watch your expectations, make sure they are positive and not negative!

2. Make sure your kids get enough Vitamin E (encouragement) and some very essential Vitamin N which is No! Remember, if you love your child, you will disciple them

3. Rules are important but not the only thing that is important, relationships matter most!

4. Have fun with your kids, laugh at yourself, use the words, “I am sorry”

5. Finally, to put it bluntly do not take any disrespectful act from your son or daughter without significant consequences!

Kids have a need to please you.   They don’t like it when Mom and Dad are unhappy.

As important as relationships are with our kids, the more profound relationship is with your spouse!  Now, realizing that many of you are single, stay with me because there are tips for you to come. For those of you who are married, here are some thoughts to make this year as close to stress-free as possible.

Tips for your marriage:

1. Ladies, remember he is the SIMPLE one!  As I have said many times, think of him as a four year old that shaves! His needs are simple.  He needs to be needed and wanted by YOU!

2.Guys, understand that your wife majors in relationships and communication.  She has the need to hear from you.  She wants to know your feelings that you have about, well… almost everything in life!  She needs to feel like your lovingly affectionate at all times!

3. We spend money on everything under the sun, I wonder how many of us invest our time and our money in our marriage? Want to do something for your family this year, take time to be a couple, enjoy a date night, consider joining next year’s Couples of Promise Cruise! Those kind of investments play dividends for generations.

4. Do your marriage a great favor and make sure that your spouse and your relationship take precedence.

 Tips for relationships (including those of you you are single!):

1. Don’t “should” on yourself — When you “should” on yourself, you are really putting down the masterpiece that God created in you. You truly are a one-of-a-kind!

2. If you have a critical eye– that is to say that you can spot a flaw, especially in the ones you love, in less than 10 seconds…. give it a rest!   And rather than pull up the negatives, look for the positives and use the words, “Good job!” “Nice going” and “I bet that makes you feel good inside!”

3. One more thing, if you want to see a relationship with someone you love improve dramatically, in less than 48 hours, stop asking questions!  It’s like magic.  On that note, tuck the “why” word away and watch the relationship change before your eyes!

Two of my favorite scriptures come from St. Paul — Where in Ephesians 6, he says “Children obey your parents, it is the right thing to do!  Because God has placed them in authority over you.”

And in the preceding chapter, Paul writes these profound words, for those of us who are married, “Honor Christ by submitting to one another.”   These imperfect people that surround your life are God gifts for you!  Handle these relationships with care.

I have said many times that marriage and parenthood is not easy, but it is simple.  God does have a simple plan for our marriages as well as for the journey of being a good parent.

As a welcome to my new website, I thought I would start with a Giveaway! This one is simple. There are only TWO things you have to do to enter.

1.  Use the buttons below to share this post with your friends on Facebook and/or  Twitter.  Invite your friends, help us get the word out about this new site!

2. Leave me a comment on this post!  Tell me your resolutions this year.  How you are going to strive to be a better parent, husband, wife, son or daughter…etc.. Or just tell me what you think about the new site!

Friday afternoon I will select a winner, at random, to win 3 autographed books (Now, the books need to be in stock!) Don’t forget to give your email in the comment section so I can get a hold of you! 

I wish you all a great  2012.