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My 12 year old son cusses like a sailor. He won’t stop. What do I do? My authoritarian husband won’t learn anything about parenting. How do I get him to read or listen to your teachings on how to parent? Dr. Leman answers these questions with his usual wit and wisdom.

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Question 1: (Audio)

My 12 year old son can make a sailor blush with his cuss words. He comes home from school and won’t drop the language at the door, even though mom and dad have asked him multiple times to stop using those words at home. We have even shown him Scripture that speaks against this kind of talk.

Dr. Leman’s response:

  • Yes, he is a powerful child. Basically he is saying, “I am not you, not going to be you, and you are too authoritarian.” The problem is that he has low regard for you.
  • When you show him Scriptures, it is like you are asking him to spit in your soup. THIS WON’T WORK!
  • I would recommend a heart to heart talk with Mom, Dad and son around the table.
  • Tell him how disturbing it is for the family.
  • Say
    • We are a family, and must respect one another
    • 1. Since you are not succumbing to leadership, things are going to have to change around here. (But DO NOT tell him what the changes will be).
    • You need to stop giving him lunch money, club dues money, don’t drive him places. I call it the bread and water treatment.
    • Just make sure his basic needs are met. He will have to wash his laundry.
    • You as a parent are DONE until his attitude and behavior change.
    • 2. Bring 18 squares of toilet paper with you to the talk. Tear off 12, slowly, one by one.
    • Tell him, “We love you. These 12 pieces on the floor represent your years in our home. There are only 6 left for you to serve in this prison. We want what’s best for you. These next 6 years can be the best or miserable years of your life. You will be the one who makes that decision. Things are going to be different.”
    • What this does is brings the issue to an abrupt boiling point because the rudder in his mouth can cause a lot of damage.
  • (Note, first he will get worse before it gets better.)
  • Again, the authoritarian parenting style does not work. Authoritative is the only way to parent.

Question 2: (audio)

My husband is authoritarian and won’t listen to any Dr. Leman parenting helps. How do I get my husband to learn how to parent better.

Dr. Leman’s response:

  • Look your husband in the eyes and say, “I’m miserable, unhappy, and it hurts to not have a life-partner who is moving in the same direction that I am.”
  • Tell him that it makes him less attractive to you and makes you want to avoid intimacy.
  • This is like hitting him over the head with a 2×4.
  • Invite him into your life by telling how much you want to have him join you in the process.
  • What about the husband who blows up?
    • Well, that is purposive behavior to keep “Mama Bear” in line.
    • Don’t react, but say, “I am disappointed in your immature behavior.”
  • Share the truth in love.

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