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Do you have a child that is super defiant and simply doesn’t respond to anything you try? Are you worried that your child isn’t ready for the realities of college life and wonder if another year at home would be a good thing? Dr Leman answer those with his usual wit and wisdom.

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Question #1

From: Vicky
Subject: Defiant Child

We are struggling with our 10 year old (firstborn) daughter’s defiant and disrespectful behavior. We do our best to use our parental aces…often pulling the rug out from under her…not allowing her to do certain things or have certain privileges. We follow through with it & the restrictions continue for long periods of time…weeks, months. It almost never results in her apologizing (in any form) or even showing remorse. Her behavior may improve in short spurts. However, she will not engage in any conversations (other than belligerence) to discuss her behavior even long after things have settled down. According to her, her behavior is always someone else’s fault. What do we do????? There’s not much more to deny her other than her underwear! Feeling helpless.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

  • You have tried too hard.
  • These long sentences where she goes for months on restriction should end.
  • Try a few days of withdrawal
  • And the “bread and water treatment”
  • No money for any extras, not even school lunch (because she can pack it at home)
  • Tell her you are unhappy with her
  • It has to do with your belligerent mouth
  • I like the toilet paper analogy where I get 18 squares of toilet paper, count off 10 (or their age) and drop those on the floor. “Those represent your age. Now, the remaining ones represent the number or years left to live in this “prison”, where you can choose to be happy or unhappy.”
  • “You are the only one who can make this decision”
  • “I don’t like doing battle with you”
  • Get your daughter to look at the situation and realize that it is not working out.

Question #2

From: Lori
Topic: My unprepared kid going to college

Hello! Our son is middle child ( older sister is 14 yrs older) than 1 sister 14 months younger. God has a sense of humor!

Straight A student, hardly cracks a book, speaks 3 languages fluently, black belt in TKD. You would think he’s driven and over achiever, but he’s not. Just natural talent, gift from God. He’s 17, skipped a year of school, so a senior. Wants to go into International relations.
Never a problem, kind, nice easy going. However, sometimes the basics are challenging….. Mowing the grass, he’s disorganized somewhat too… Spends his free time teaching himself Japanese. Doesn’t mind being by himself, but if asked will join in activites.
Is he ready to go across the country to college? We live in very small town, No schools close by at all that has his degree, or that he’s interested in. I’ve taught him how to make meal, etc, but worried he seems a little young- brains aren’t everything- wish he had more hands on skills and was a bit more out going. But if he stayed home a year, working fast food seems like a waste too…..
Any advice ???
Thanks so!
Lori

Dr Leman’s Answer:

Because of the way you describe him, it sounds like he is very responsible. He is a little disorganized, which is a good thing. For that reason, and with his particular aspiration to go into international relations, I would go ahead and send him to college.

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