Do you feel responsible for your spouse’s and child’s arguments? Have you been labeled “the bad parent”? I will answer both of these questions in this podcast.
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Question #1
My husband and my 12 year-old son constantly engage in battle. I have tried defusing the situation as it’s happening as well as talking to each of them about it after it’s exploded and they’re in their respective ‘corners’. Neither approach has had any positive impact so far, and it usually gets hubby angry at ME about saying anything to him about how he could handle it differently. I usually suggest he: 1)not participate in the argument by keeping his mouth shut, 2) just send the disrespectful brat to his room, and/or 3) deal with the problem, not the person.
I want to reinforce to my son that he should not talk to his dad the way he does, but hubby also says things he shouldn’t say and antagonizes the situation.
Should I just disengage altogether and let the two of them dictate how they want their relationship to be without my interference or is there another way I could help either one -or both- of them to stop. They say horrible things to each other and it breaks my heart because I know no one is really happy that it’s like this.
Any insight is greatly appreciated. I’m a long-time and ardent fan (but imperfect follower) of your advice! :) Thank you!
From, Faith
Dr. Leman’s Answer:
Faith, you are gonna lose!
Try this:
1. Say “I am very disappointed with both of you” and walk away!
2. “If it was not so sad, it would be funny.”
3. While you are fixing dinner, if it starts up, throw your apron in the air
4. Leave the house
5. Enjoy a nice quiet dinner and movie
6. Come home after 10
7. Let them wonder where you have been.
Question #2
Dear Dr. Leman ~ I’m 47 yr. old female, Married 22 years, 4 daughters, ages 20, 17, 16 & 11. My daughters think their dad walks on water and I kinda suck. I was the “bomb” when they were younger & I thoroughly enjoyed being a wife and mom in those years. Not so much now :-( I have been blessed to be a at home mom since having our first child.
I know after listening to many of your books on CD & podcasts that I have created my own monsters, including my husband, by doing most everything for them. I thought I was being a good wife and mom. My kids and husband, do not respect me, they think I’m too stiff & a party pooper, no fun, because I ask and expect them to participate around the home, within a given period of time. Of course they don’t, so I get angry after asking repeatedly, then I blow a gasket and finally something gets done & then they all love to tell me I’m too uptight. This is my MO in most situations anymore. I’m very tired of this cycle, I don’t want to be the bad guy anymore. My hubby is no help, he just gives lame excuses for himself and the kids for not taking care of situations. A lot of this includes, “What do you expect? They’re teenagers?”
He says, “In the big picture they are great kids, just let it go!” Easy for him to say when he doesn’t feel the need to participate in daily chores or much discipline unless I initiate that too, which makes me a nag!
My husband has a pretty permissive attitude toward most things, I do not. I probably go too far the other direction because of his lack of wanting to confront situations in the beginning. He’s very “layed back” and our teenagers love that, because it gives them permission to be lazy too. I’m a human do-er, I get in and get it done. But now, I am worn out emotionally, physically and getting there spiritually.
I love my husband & children dearly. I also know God put my husband and I together, He doesn’t make mistakes. Unfortunately, we just may be each others sandpaper.
I need to get in the mind set that having my husband and kids love & “respect” me might be difficult but would be a great start to them actually liking me.
What can I do at this point to get them to actually like me?
From, Cindi
Dr. Leman’s Answer:
Cindi, What would happen if you stopped doing everything around the house?
could you become the “lounge around mom”?
I challenge you to do this to prove a point even though it is counter to your nature.
Try going on strive for 14 days and let nature take its course. Be sure to have some fun with it!
For extra entertainment and ideas, listen to my story on the podcast of how Sande, my wife, pulled the proverbial rug out from under me when we were first married!
Announcement
The next session is about Surviving the Summer With Pre-Teens. If you have a question or thought regarding this topic, please leave us a voicemail for the next session. It must be under 30 seconds for the podcast. We reserve the right to use your question on the podcast. (This is NOT a private voicemail for personal counseling.)